You Win Some, You Lose Some.

I was planning on talking about my post-grad life experience thus far but I’ve been thinking about this subject for awhile now so why not speak (or type) out loud and try to figure out my life. Shall we?

As I’ve mentioned in my previous post, I lost some friends this summer. Sad to say, this isn’t my first rodeo with losing friends and being alone but it still sucked.

A few months back, I told myself I wouldn’t reach out to people just to see who would reach out to me. Let me tell, it’s one thing to ponder and think about how actually alone you truly are but to see no texts, no calls, no nothing was visually eye opening to me.  How could this be? I thought I was a good friend. I always made it a point to ask how everyone was doing? If they needed anything, I would always be there with open arms ready to help or listen. Was I too overbearing? Am I asking for too much from them?

I’ve never been in a romantic relationship but if breaking up with friends is anything like breaking up with boys, I don’t want any of it. The stages of grief (yes I’m being dramatic) worked it’s magic. Quickly, sadness turned into anger. Why was I so upset about this friendship turning into mush, when they seemed to be having the time of their lives doing things we planned to do as friends.

Sometimes, you have to be selfish. You don’t always need to make everyone happy. You are allowed to be happy, yourself.

I said I felt like a different person turning twenty-two. God knows kid Victoria, definitely teenage Victoria, and even twenty-one year old me would beat herself up and lose sleep on how to save these relationships that were clearly over.

Everyone deserves to be around people who want to be around them. If there’s anything I’ve learned this summer, it’s that.

If they wanted to talk, they would have called. They would have done something.

No one did that for me and that was okay. I don’t blame anyone. If anything, I’d like to thank them for teaching so much resilience, empathy, and the desire to want better for myself.

Sorry if that was kinda shitty but its one of those days. I’ll be watching Harry Potter tonight so there is a silver lining, folks.

Again, thank you all for letting me vent, even when it doesn’t make sense.

Still trying,

Victoria

 

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